An ESTJ on her way to Allume

October 25, 2012

I'm on my way to Allume right now. My first ever blogging conference.

I'm both incredibly excited and a tad anxious about going to Allume. I love new experiences but they also make me nervous simply because I don't know what to expect. And I have no grid whatsoever for something like this.

This is the S part of my personality. Unless I have hands-on experience with something I am nervous about how it's all going to work. At the same time I get excited about having a new adventure, and I can't wait to be fully engaged in what will be going on, the E part of my personality.

I've been reading "what to expect at your first blog conference" type posts and joining conference newbie facebook groups and the like.

I've never been to a "women" conference before. And, other than Outdoor Retailer, I haven't been to any conferences (OR is a convention actually, you don't attend talks and sessions you meet vendors and check out products), except a one day homeschool deal in Maine years ago.

I'm not really a "hang out with a bunch of other women" woman. Women make me nervous. Christian women make me especially nervous. (Allume is a Christian blogging conference.)

Just for the record, I haven't had any bad experiences that I can remember with women, Christian or otherwise. I have loving grandmas and aunties, a wonderful mom, and I don't remember being especially hurt by girlfriends.

I am a strong personality and my usual approach growing up was - this is me, you can take it or leave it. I haven't had a history of seeking the approval of other females. Until recently - but that's a whole 'nother story.

I don't know why it is, but being with a bunch of other women has always made me a little edgy. Or rather, makes me worry more about my edge. Where other women are intuitive, I'm totally clueless. I could say something to hurt your feelings and unless you say to me "Renee, that hurt", I might never know. I'm getting better at this but it's not my strong suit. And when you do tell me I've hurt your feelings I will be crushed and apologize from the bottom of my heart because I never mean to hurt people but oh, my lack of tact, it bites me in the bum.

While we're talking about personality I'm also a stronger Thinker than Feeler. This explains why I may inadvertently hurt your feelings while I state the facts of a situation. (And we haven't even talked about my J, which combined with my E & S and T makes me outspoken and obnoxious if I'm not careful.)

I've spent my adulthood learning how to tame my tongue, how to tone down and be less open with people I don't know well. I try to guard my words, lest I do harm. I still manage to do harm now and then anyway, but with much less frequency I hope. 

This feels a tad constraining to me but is better than always sticking my neck out there or sticking my foot in my mouth. This must be why I love writing so much. I can share what I think but I can also preview and edit what I say before hitting publish. 

The parts of me that are really "me" just don't seem to jive all that well with nurturing, intuitive, touchy-feeling women. I feel all angular next to their roundness. And yet, I love these women - their intuition, kind words and caring hearts, even though they make me a little twitchy. Twitchy because if they knew what I really thought maybe they wouldn't be so kind and caring?

In case you're worried that I'm a cold hearted mama - I assure you, I'm not. My children changed me. I wrote about that here. And I am as emotional as the next woman, especially at certain times of the month.

Neither am I a cold hearted friend. I'm helpful, responsible and loyal. I will stand by you and you can count on me. I'm a guardian. Which is so ironic considering many of our life philosophies. The intersection of my personality with our non-conformist choices and beliefs is where I experience most of my personal struggle and growth.

Let's leave personality aside for a moment and discuss clothing. Since women are into clothes, or so I hear.

Clothes. I don't own many. I dress mostly in functional clothing that does double duty for active living and the outdoors. I wear a lot of black tights. I don't have "going to a women's conference" clothes. I have a black linen skirt and my minimalist "dress" shoes. These will have to do. I'll just have to confiscate them back from Céline who also likes to wear them.

I laughed this weekend while reading a clothing thread on the Allume newbie facebook group. The conversation started something like this "for those of us doing last minute packing..." Meaning that those of us who packed the day before we left are last minute packers. I don't own enough clothes to pack any other way! PS. I don't own any make-up either and I don't plan to borrow my nine year old's blush, so you get me as-is.

I'm taking this all in good stride and doing my best to not be insecure about who I am. I like who I am and I like who other women are. In fact some of the women I connect with best are very different from me (I think that's because two ESTJ's is two too many).

So, yes I'm nervous about being around a bunch of women but I'm also very excited because I like women - I really do. And these aren't just women, they are women bloggers. Do you know how many women bloggers I know in my real life? About four. And none of them live near enough to meet for coffee.

I get to spend the next three days with a wonderful group of women who get that I am a mother, a wife, a homeschooler (many of these women homeschool as well) and a blogger. They get that I track google analytics, that I want to learn how to use Twitter more effectively, that I earn money from online sources, that I want to influence people with my writing, that I want to tell a good story.

They understand getting up early to write, the thrill of comments on a post, and can relate to milestones like your first affiliate sale.

These women, women who take more care with their clothes, who are are packing their cute leather boots as I write, who do their hair and even wear make-up, who feel soft and squishy against my edges, they understand and "get me" on a level that many people in my world do not. Being with them validates my desires to write and to blog, to share my story, to create products and service that help support our family.

And you know what, I intend to make new friends with some of these women. To get to know their names, to hear their vision for blogging, to laugh (loudly and earnestly) at their stories of how they had trouble packing all their clothes into their luggage. And they'll laugh at me for forgetting my underwear. Turns out we laughed, loudly, about many things, but not clothes. 

I will admire their courage for making the effort, just as I am making a huge effort, to come and learn, to connect and grow. I will visit their blogs and oh and ah at their pretty business cards.

I'll come home energized (well, after I crash that is) and better connected to other women like myself. Christian women who blog.

Let the fun begin.

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  • Jennifer

    Jennifer on Oct. 25, 2012, 10:51 a.m.

    Ha! I'm an INFP and struggle with many of the same things. Thanks for sharing these thoughts so openly. It really touched a raw space in me...lately, I've been struggling with who I am and just wanting to embrace it and be ok with it. But instead, I find myself so sad over the fact I can't seem to pick out the "right" make-up, stylish clothes etc. My dad says I'm an "LL Bean" girl and he's right, but I want to be "pretty." Anyway, have a great time at the conference. I love reading your blog, even though we can't homeschool right now.

    reply
    • renee

      renee on Oct. 25, 2012, 12:39 p.m.

      I'm in the airport right now, check in on the blog and saw this comment. So you're the total opposite of my personality but can identify with my "girl identity" issues. I bet we'd get along great and be very comfy in each other's presence.

      reply
    • LisaZ

      LisaZ on Oct. 25, 2012, 2:12 p.m.

      Hi! Fellow INFP here. Did you know we're only 1% of the population? I think that's cool and am always happy to find another one. As I commented below, I also struggle with the "pretty" thing and none of the fashion stuff comes naturally to me. I think it's okay to want to have some style so I have been "studying" it a little (thanks to the internet), but I still need to feel comfortable and if that means finding the most stylish stuff at L.L. Bean, that's okay!

      reply
  • Laura

    Laura on Oct. 25, 2012, 11:32 a.m.

    Renee, I hope you have a wonderful time and make many new friends. I hope you come home encouraged. May it be all that you hope it will be!

    reply
  • Jamie {See Jamie blog}

    Jamie {See Jamie blog} on Oct. 25, 2012, 12:48 p.m.

    I hope you have a delightful time! I'm an INFJ so one of the hardest things for me is relaxing I'm going to have to do small talk. I hate small talk. I'd happily get into a deep discussion about all this stuff you wrote here, though! ;) And I'm so ridiculously feely, but mostly in an absorb-other-people's-emotions sort of way, which is exhausting. Aren't personality types fun?! I love learning about them and understanding other folks' so I loved reading inside your head in this post!

    reply
    • Kika

      Kika on Oct. 25, 2012, 1:12 p.m.

      I don't do small talk well either - always looking to dive right into a deep conversation. But when I get into groups I also tend to babble and come home not only thoroughly exhausted but kind of embarrased about me talking too much.

      reply
  • rebecca

    rebecca on Oct. 25, 2012, 12:59 p.m.

    Hi Renee - as another INFP follower of your blog, I so appreciate this reflective post. In fact - I look forward to reading all of your posts; I appreciate your writing style. Also, I grew up around 4 brothers, so I can relate to how different women are than men. Have fun at the conference!

    reply
  • Kika

    Kika on Oct. 25, 2012, 1:17 p.m.

    LOVE that last phot of you:) Also loved this post. I am asking you - point blank (since you are unable to "sense" my feelings about it through the phone lines) to write more along this topic so I can comment and discuss with you and others:) I am the only girl in my family who isn't into high heels, long hair and makeup. I always want the super short, funky men's hairstyles. I almost never wear any makeup although do think I look nicer even with a tiny bit. Just can't be bothered and refuse to be a person who feels "less than" without layers, you know? I like clothes well enough but not enough to want to buy newest fashions or spend a bunch of money on them. In my home environment/community I mostly feel ok about who I am but in terms of clothes, etc., it is when I have to go home for family visits that I start to worry. All the other women look pretty and the clothes I wore happily before all of a sudden don't feel good enough. Phew. Exhausting topic. But honestly would love to discuss more with women who understand.

    reply
    • Kika

      Kika on Oct. 25, 2012, 1:21 p.m.

      Also, (am I babbling again???), I am so happy for you that you are stepping out into this. I LIKE you. If I lived close enough for coffee I am sure we could annoy eachother at times but I only want friends who are real. I figure if a girl can learn to really know and appreciate herself then she probably has the potential to accept me for who I am too - imperfections and all.

      reply
    • renee

      renee on Oct. 25, 2012, 1:24 p.m.

      Kika, I would love to know what personality type you are. I have some more personality posts I want to publish but I don't have a lot more to say about fashion and make-up. Sometimes that stuff surfaces in my posts but mostly I don't give it much thought. What's wonderful as my girls get older is I can share their clothes and add a bit of flair to my wardrobe when needed.  I'm just not a fashion woman, and I never have been. This also might be what makes me quite amenable to being out in the woods for days with my husband also. I still feel very much like me in that environment, sans make-up etc.  

      reply
  • Charity Johnson

    Charity Johnson on Oct. 25, 2012, 1:46 p.m.

    Ah, I loved this post Renee, and I hope that you have an amazing trip! I am an ENFJ which sometimes makes it more difficult for me to identify who I really am because I tend to center my life on other people's needs. This has become easier as I grow older and learn more about myself and how I interact with the world around me. The other piece of my personality which tends not to fit with my personality "label" is that I often "intimidate" people. I have heard this multiple times in my adult life, and I am quite sure that it is because there are some things that I simply don't compromise on, and I make it clear (maybe I should learn to hold my tongue more). Although, it crushes me when someone says, "Charity, you intimidate me" (that must be the extroverted feeling part of me). Hehe. I love talking personality and fitting in and finding our place and discovering who we really are and who we are to become. I like you without your makeup, with your tights and puffy vest, and your wonderful contagious laughter. I do wish we lived closer so we could sit over a cup of tea. Enjoy your trip, and I look forward to hearing (reading) all about it!

    reply
  • Melissa

    Melissa on Oct. 25, 2012, 1:51 p.m.

    Echo what Kika said... Love that last photo of you, it so made me smile!I've been a silent follower of your blog and I just wanted you to know how much you bless me with what you share and how you live. Praying these next couple of days are a blessing to you!

    reply
  • LisaZ

    LisaZ on Oct. 25, 2012, 2:10 p.m.

    I've only read the first comment so far and have to say, as an INFP and also the total opposite of you, I can relate to so much of what you say! I'm also not very girly and dress more for practical reasons and comfort and tend to stick with a few pieces that I love because too many clothing and shoe choices just overwhelm me. I'm also not very tactful, but I am more quiet and cautious than "blurt-y", if that can be a word. :)

    So maybe this says that opposites are more alike than different in what's going on inside of us? Very interesting! I love reading about other personalities and how you see yours. I'm really glad you got to some of your good things, though, because as a reader I feel you are the sum of those good things and that comes through so obviously in your blog. As you say, you get to edit but what you get to when you edit is just beautiful, Renee.

    And YOU are beautiful. Every time I get to your page and see photographs of you I think, she is just a beautiful woman. It's so apparent. And you look great in all your practical clothes. I would never know that you struggle with insecurities (like I do) around appearance.

    Have a wonderful, blessed time at Allume! I can't wait to hear about it.

    reply
  • Michelle

    Michelle on Oct. 25, 2012, 3:02 p.m.

    Renee, it could have been I who wrote that post. I feel exactly the same way you do. You will be great. You will be wonderful and people will see your beauty, even if you don't wear makeup! Have a good time! PS I don't own any makeup either. Athena thinks I should so I can be fancy.

    reply
  • Catherine Forest

    Catherine Forest on Oct. 25, 2012, 3:30 p.m.

    I love that last photo of you: it shows exactly all the emotions you mention in your post. I am ENFJ. I see where we are similar and different now. Have a wonderful time at Allume. Go as your beautiful true self and I am sure you will have a great time!

    reply
  • Heather Caliri

    Heather Caliri on Oct. 25, 2012, 5:45 p.m.

    So funny--I'm an INFP, but I identify with what you're posting here too. There's such a strong sense of community and connection that women can create--but I think it can come with the possibility of feeling out-of-sorts if you don't feel inside the circle. May this conference be full of joy for you :)

    reply
  • renee

    renee on Oct. 25, 2012, 8:35 p.m.

    You guys (or I should say gals) are the best. I'm having a wonderful time already but I love your voices also and wish I could be meeting all of you as well!

    reply
  • Teri

    Teri on Oct. 25, 2012, 10:02 p.m.

    I just loved this post, Renee! I am probably the prissiest woman you would ever meet, and yet I can say this: if you in real life are anything at all like your "voice" on this blog, I know without a doubt we would be good chums. Viva la difference!!! Have a marvelous and joy filled time.

    reply
  • Beth

    Beth on Oct. 26, 2012, 2:54 a.m.

    Thank you so much for writing this post. I feel validated because I too have struggled with these same feelings when I'm out of my food coop circle.

    reply
  • Aimee

    Aimee on Oct. 26, 2012, 1:35 p.m.

    Have fun just being you...authenticity is what ALL women truly desire...to be accepted as-is and you model that well.

    I was supposed to go to Allume two years ago but was still nursing a baby so opted not too. One of my good blogging friends went and she told me that she was there in her flannel plaid shirt and was amazed by all the Southern makeup/hair etc (and we are both Southern :) Simplicity is needed at an event like that where there can be "posturing" whether on purpose or not...women will be drawn to your "realness" :)

    reply
  • Heather

    Heather on Oct. 27, 2012, 8 p.m.

    Renee,

    I'm a frequent reader--please know that I so often find strength and inspiration in your words. I'm thankful you make the time to share your wisdom and your growing places. Prayers that your time at Allume will be GREAT!

    reply
  • Janet

    Janet on Oct. 27, 2012, 11:16 p.m.

    I LOVED this post Renee! With you on the girl-identity thing. Really wish I lived closer to some of you guys! Enjoy the conference.

    reply

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