In my late thirties I experienced an early mid-life crisis. It's fairly well documented on this blog, especially in the Project Home & Healing collection of posts.
During and after that crisis in our family life, marriage, and faith I went through what I've called The Reckoning. The Reckoning started during the crisis but was more the aftermath, the fallout from the crisis. It was a sense of regret, loss, and failure.
At the same time our kids were going through their teens years and yikes, what parent of teenager doesn't experience these emotions?
My Reckoning is a coming to terms, as much as is possible, with the decisions made earlier in my adult life. How those formed me, and inform my life now. And how so much of my life is out of my control and that my decisions will not yield what I expect.
This is a hard lesson to learn.
This series of posts, written and published over a couple years time span, explore this experience.
But I need to tell you upfront that I went into this writing with a bias. A bias I carry from my faith tradition, personal experience, and the perennial wisdom of humanity.
Experiences of loss, regret and failure are the very soil, the compost, the rich earth of dead and dying matter that makes all things new again. A resurrecting soil, out of which new life and abundance grows, once again.
I already know the conclusion and I'm working to make it a reality in my living and my writing.
October 9, 2019
I can still smell the hot pine tree needles of those evergreen forests, and recall the roadside tourist attractions which we mostly drove by. They fascinated me because we didn't have tourist stops in our prairie town, except for the local museum of old cars and farm machinery. I associated the mountains with summer vacation. It wasn't a place you lived, despite the obvious evidence of locals, it was a place you visited.
April 20, 2018
Not going to my grandma's funeral was painful. It was a loss to not be with my family during the remembering and celebrating of Grandma's life. Feeling shame, second-guessing my every decision, running down all "what if?" trails of my life doesn't help matters.
October 26, 2017
A big part of The Reckoning for me is realizing I'm not exempt from the natural order of growth and development. I'm not a special snowflake. I don't get to by-pass the necessary parts of the journey because I'm a good planner. It doesn't work that way.