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23 days ~ I Whine. I Move On.
April 27, 2011
I'm feeling maxed out mentally with this move.
I'm tired of attending to details upon details. Tired of lists and organization. Tired of trips to Goodwill nearly every week. Tired of creative plans on hold, school on hold.
Tired of compromising certain values. Tired of the sorting, decluttering, packing. Tired of the home renos.
Tired. Period.
I know I signed up for this and I have hope that all this work will be worth it. But because I am an attention-to-detail person these final days are challenging to me.
So many details to think about, not enough mental energy to go around. Many days I am slogging through tasks that don't bring me much joy in and of themselves. I'm not used to that.
I try to be positive. It doesn't always work.
Home renovations when we're moving in three weeks and won't even live here to enjoy them? Not much fun. Setting everything up so we can rent out our house while living in another country? Nope, not fun either.
On a daily basis I'm choosing to do the work to reach the goal even when I feel like crawling in a cave and making it go away.
I wish there was moving hibernation where you wake up and find you've slept through the worst of it. There isn't. So I'm eating chocolate and drinking red wine instead.
Don't get me wrong. I want the prize. I want the life we're moving to create. I just don't want all this unrelenting work.
Poor me.
Physically I'm fine. But mentally I'm very tired (or exhausted depending on when you ask).
There is not enough margin or white space (different from white stuff, we've experienced plenty of that on this weekend's short backpack trip) in my everyday life to fill up my creative well and this affects my writing.
I still have the actual time to write. I'm fairly religious in scheduling that into my day but increasingly I'm sitting down at this keyboard mentally empty. I can't pull it together to write what I had planned to publish during these weeks - a well crafted post on homeschool writing for example.
Not accomplishing what I set out to do, even if it's a personal writing schedule is terribly frustrating. But this intense life phase is temporary (right?).
And so I surrender. Again. To the moment. To this move. To the vision that is pulling us forward, in spite of the difficult terrain right now.
I'm not sure how things will look here for the weeks coming up. Life is starting to get highly irregular and we are shifting into survival mode the closer we get to this move. Survival mode isn't exactly a wellspring of creative output and energy.
Twenty three days till we move. But hey, who's counting.
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bethany on April 27, 2011, 10:01 p.m.
At some point it becomes a rushing tide that carries you to the goal, a bit tumbled and bedraggled in some ways, but triumphant too ... maybe it's polishing time? :) May you have the exact bits of energy you need when the moments call for them!
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renee on April 27, 2011, 10:04 p.m.
Rushing tide, polished stones - love that. Thank you for that image. What a gift.
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Emily on April 28, 2011, 11:51 a.m.
Any type of transition, whether it's in the birthing process, a lifestyle change, a move, new job, altering daily routine and rhythms-- these are all challenging times. Give yourself the permission to just "be"; try to accept, find "ease", and make peace with what is now. It's normal to question, to feel out-of-sorts, to have that emotional exhaustion you've expressed. Writing about these feelings, letting them air and surface, as you've done, is so helpful and vital. Give yourself a break- in the physical sense of the word, as well as emotionally.
I speak from my own experience with all this.
(((Renee)))~ I'm giving you a big hug!
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renee on April 28, 2011, 12:03 p.m.
Thank you Emily. I did tell Damien on Monday (a very, very difficult day where I drank tea and cried during my writing time) that it feels like giving birth. Pushing through to the very end.
I'm committed, I have no choice but I would like it all just to stop or rather I want it all to move forward but to not have to do the work.
I'm feeling much better as the week goes on and last night I even started thinking about next year's homeschooling plans and getting excited for the future, beyond this move. Life's looking up but I do want to record the hard parts as well which is why I wanted to publish this post.
Also, organizing my thoughts and writing them is emotionally helpful for me. Even if I have to neglect other writing I hoped to do so I can process my thoughts.
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Rambling Heather on April 28, 2011, 1:37 p.m.
Oh friend, I have been here and want to say that this too will pass! I know you know that and dont need me telling you but I'm a rambler so I remind ya anyways. Thinking about you! Thank you for being real here, it makes me want to have you over for wine (or beer) and give you a great big hug :)
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renee on April 28, 2011, 9:23 p.m.
I like to be reminded from thost who have been there and lived to see the other side (smile).
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Earth Mama on April 28, 2011, 9:07 p.m.
I love how you emphasize that you are choosing this...it is empowering to remember that. And give yourself a big hug for allowing yourself, or even just the though, of surrenduring. The icky stuff is blech. I hear you. I woner about it a lot...is it just there so that when we do push through we will see nothing but glory? Kinda like childbirth. It's a tough spot to be, but... Breathe...you're almost there! :)Lisa
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Rana on May 1, 2011, 6:12 p.m.
Just let it all out and move on. You are almost to your goal. You can see the light at the end of the tunnel. You are a strong mama and this is push time. This is the time where you show that strength. You have a lot of friends, family and blogging mama's behind you. We watch and read with anticipation to celebrate your journey with you. You are almost there. Keep going Renee!
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renee on May 1, 2011, 10:39 p.m.
Thank you Rana. Just tonight, on our way home from our weekend hike I was complaining yet again. It feels like transition in birthing. I just want it to be done. Some one knock me out and wake me when it's over. Your encouragement is much, much appreciated.
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Nola on May 2, 2011, 1:24 a.m.
I can understand how you compare it to birth. I have moved several times, one a major move (well one as an adult) and it is SO emotional and exhausting just like birth. There aren't really other words to describe it in my mind. Its so just I WANT TO BE DONE type of feeling. But the reward is almost here! I remember my second child being born and I was thinking during transition that I just wanted to put it on pause and have a nap. I just kept thinking that and thinking that and it was driving me crazy. I was having contractions with only a breath in between. I then told myself that soon I would have the reward and then I could sleep! It was so near. That helped so much. I hope the same for you, that you can push on through and get to the rest soon!
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Granola Girl on May 2, 2011, 4:24 a.m.
I really needed to read this. It's as though I needed to give myself permission for feeling as though I keep working and working and nothing actually gets done. It was weighing on my soul and bogging me down. This really helped me identify it. I feel so much better. Thanks!
It is hard while you're going, but in less than a month out of your life you will be doing better.
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Jason Elsworth on May 3, 2011, 9:55 a.m.
We have just been through a move ourselves and it was physically and emotionally very tiring. I haven't given birth recently :) well ever :), but I can relate to just wanting to get it done. These are a few things I learnt along the way, which I hope may help a little:
As Bethany said there is a final rush of momentum at the end that pushes you over the line i a big heap :).
As the deadline approaches you will look at your To Do lists and conclude that some things just wont get done in time. When you are still a few weeks out optimism reigns supreme and you still think you can do it all. When you realise some things can't be done it is liberating to cross them off your list or postpone them to later.
Going through all your stuff and deciding what to keep, what to sell, what to give away and what to ship can be an almost infinite task (in fact I seem to have been trying to simplify our stuff for the last two years). There will never be a point where you say that's it it's all done.
There were a number of things we wanted to do to get our house ready to sell, but ran out of time to do them. In the end it didn't matter and the house sold very quickly. In hindsight having seen what the new owners are doing to the place they would have been a waste of our time.
Good luck.
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Naomi on April 27, 2011, 8:49 p.m.
Chocolate and red wine... that sounds about right. We can't have it all together all the time, wouldn't it be nice though? 23 days and so much to do, but 23 days and this leg of the journey will be over. See you next Saturday!
renee on April 27, 2011, 8:58 p.m.
smile. Looking forward to it!