September 4, 2015
In August, my family went away for the weekend and I was home alone. By Sunday afternoon, refreshed and re-energized, I felt inspired to make a special supper for their return.
I made one of our favorite foods, something I haven't made for years. I made sushi, or more technically, maki. A simple supper of California-type rolls. I don't do raw fish, or roe at home. That's restaurant fare for us.
I was super proud of my accomplishment. The rolls were beautiful and delicious and tightly rolled, even without a mat. And there was enough to feed everyone till they were full. Filling the teenagers on sushi. Super score!
I don't like cooking all that much these days. These days being, oh, the last five years or so. Only recently, in the last nine months, have I named it and claimed it when it comes to how I feel in the kitchen.
Cooking is not something I love, or even really like to do. Cooking is not the time I "come alive", nor is it a form of happy creative expression for me.
As far as home management, I much prefer to make order in routines and space than to make food. And when it comes to creativity and leisure I'd rather take a bike ride through my neighborhood, read a book, photograph a flower, draw zentangle, etc. than craft a meal.
The sushi was beautiful, but the lighting was bad, such is the state of our dining room. And I didn't take any photos. The inspiration came. I happily made the meal. Not cooking for days does wonders for my motivation.
We ate the sushi. End of story.
I'd like to write a whole post about coming clean in the kitchen with regards to my general "meh" about that part of my job description. I'd love to write about how I thought being a good mother meant being like my mother - passionate about cooking, finding my energy and my "place" in that passion.
(My hang ups with being a good mother don't stop at comparing myself to my own mother, oh no, I've created a good mother character of mythological proportions who is a composite of all the best qualities, and none of the flaws, of the mothers/homemakers/homeschoolers I admire and aspire to be like. Oh yes, being this mom is an impossible task. But you already knew that, perhaps from experience.)
As it stands, cooking is part of my job description. It is something that must be done.
I try to minimize the pain with occasional frozen shortcuts (healthy and not-as-healthy) and outsourcing to the kids. And this summer I "officially" (we've been sliding for some time) brought animal foods into our kitchen for more easy meal options to satisfy my own desires (crepes...) and to attempt to fill the endless-pit-of-hunger that is the teenage stomach.
How I feel about cooking; eating a few more animal foods (though still cognitively believing veg is best); keeping everyone fed according to their consciences, dietary preferences, the need for calories, within the constraints of the budget; and letting go of the need to define myself as a good (good meaning: likes to cook) homemaker - lots of things I could write about here.
And that's the problem with a writing hang-up, writing sabbatical, writing anxiety - the loss of my writing groove for the summer. All of that, which is fairly significant writing fodder (or fooder? haha!) is now water under the bridge, and I didn't post about it.
There have been other transformations in my life than those just happening in the kitchen.
Though I think what's happening in the kitchen reflects the bigger theme in my life as a whole.
This life phase of raising teenagers, of separating my desires from those of my husband's (and being ok with having different opinions and preferences in food and other interests), and accepting myself exactly as I am, in the kitchen and outside of it.
I'm not prepared to write about the false beliefs I'm shedding (have shed), and who I am becoming, just yet, because something else needs to be written.
Summer needs to be written.
With back-to-school in the air (rentree here in Quebec), the official summer season feels like water under the bridge, yesterday's news. But I'm still standing here on summer's shore and I want collect my favorite treasures from the beach. Gather them. Cherish them. Share them.
Care to join me?
Summer is my favorite. Summer is my balm. Summer is the bomb, and on and on. That's not supposed to be bad poetry, it's just that I really love summer and this one was wonderful.
I've never had a summer like this and so some of the "wonder" of wonderful was in fact just that.
Rock concerts and movies on the big screen; festivals and fireworks; outdoor pools and cafes on the sidewalk; Montreal has been a string of adventures and a pace of activity so suited to life with three teenagers. Every week this summer was significantly memorable in some way.
That was the summer for me. Those were the highlights, but there were definitely lowlights: difficult talks with Damien and levels of honesty in our marriage that cause pain even as they bring healing, moving-related financial strain, and just run-of-the-mill stressful situations.
Life's trials don't stop for summer but so much about this summer - activities, friends and homeschool community; the spiritually significant milestones; making a small and tidy home; my daily disciplines in self-awareness, self-care and self-therapy - all of that felt like healing to me.
This summer was exactly what I needed.
I can practically hear the joy in your voice. It's practically bursting out in your writing! This summer was fun, but my favorite season is Fall, and the weather has just changed here in the last week. I picked apples at an orchard with the kids this morning, and I had to wear a jacket (I'm usually a heater, so feeling chilly feels really good to me). I am so glad you had a fabulous summer. I'm sure the Fall will be enjoyable in such a beautiful & lush garden city as well.
Sarah M
Thank you for sharing, Renee. I am always struck by your thoughtfulness and pace. You aren't hurried, but deliberate. I want to be more like that.
I also want to live in the city.
I don't understand: guns and children? Faith and guns?
Awesome post! Awesome summer! Awesome summary!
I also feel similarly about the part of my job description that includes cooking. Seriously, I don't like cooking. But I like and believe in real, whole foods...so, I can't really have one without the other (well, at least not anywhere close to our budget). I don't really know how to like it more. I've been trying to figure that out and I haven't come up with anything.
Loved this whole post especially the pictures and descriptions of Montreal. We will have to plan a stop in the city on our next road trip to visit my husband's family in Ontario. I feel your pain and general dislike of cooking. I am cooking for the husband and five kids, four in puberty and eating so much. I used to make a big pot of something and then had enough leftovers for another meal. Not anymore. I think I would need to buy some food service size pots and bowls to have enough leftovers for a second meal. That means cooking every single night. We can't afford to eat out hardly ever and that is just as well since it is not that healthy for what we can afford. Also two of us have to eat gluten free. So what frozen things have you found on those nights you just can't cook? I have turned to frozen sweet potato tots, scrambled eggs, and a few french fries for one easy dinner a week.
Amy, the kids don't need gluten-free and they are ok with dairy (Damien prefers not to eat dairy) so my frozen staples for the kids right now are perogies, potatoes and on-sale veggie pizzas. Another really easy meal is bibimbap inspired rice bowls (gluten-free). We really like asian food and bibimbap is a korean dish.
Here's how I make our bibimbap inspired rice bowls: Put rice in a bowl, add sauteed or fresh shredded veggies, add pickles or sauerkraut (traditional bibimbap has Kimchi), diced tofu or edamame, splash soy sauce, spoon of chili garlic sauce, top with an egg. If you're not used to bibimbap is sounds wierd but we like it. And I just set out ingredients and kids make their own. You can google bibimbap to see photos and recipes.
We will definitely try the bibimbap. Three of my kids are adopted from China and we all love international cuisine. Thanks for the idea!
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Lisa Zahn on Sept. 4, 2015, 1:53 p.m.
I loved reading about your wonderful summer. This summer was one of the worst in memory for me, but lots of healing is happening here too and that is a huge plus. I have come to love summer as my favorite season, when my teacher husband and kids are all home from school, but this year I am determined to enjoy the fall. And what's left of summer. Also, you make me want to visit and/or move to Montreal! What wonderful descriptions. It reminds me of Minneapolis quite a bit, and I'd love to compare the two cities some day. Enjoy the rest of this summer, Renee!
renee on Sept. 4, 2015, 2:02 p.m.
Last summer was one of my worst, emotionally at least. Which was heartbreaking on so many levels. While fulfilling a family dream I experienced a lot of pain. So hard.
I LOVE montreal. I highly recommend a visit :)