Your happiness... is not my responsibility

Beautifully written and a wonderful reminder that we are not 'in charge'.  Thank you.

So moving and needed right now in my life, as I'm dealing with letting go of something...why is it so hard?  We know and understand that many times it's for the best but yet it's so very hard.  I know I have to let go of this creature in order to see growth and changes within myself and family, it still doesn't make the pain of letting go any easier.  I turned this over to the lord and asked for his guidance on this decision and just logged on and read your post.  I have to take this as a sign to let go and move forward.

So wonderfully written I can feel your heart and soul.

I would love to attend your chat but it's right in the middle of my work day and I don't have skype at work, but how I would love to be there.  I can feel how you are growing and being called to new adventures and opportunities.

I sooooo feel the burden for others' happiness. My sense of empathy is huge and I tend to absorb others' emotions, so I think I take that temperature-sensing to an extreme. It's a daily challenge to NOT succumb to the emotions around me. I used to think I was a people-pleaser, but I've finally realized it's not so much about how I want them to like me as it is how much I simply want them to be happy and I feel largely responsible for it.

And the challenge of learning to be content. This has been the hardest year of my life, but I'm learning (too slowly, it seems) to be content regardless of circumstances. Some days I fail miserably. But the fact I'm keeping my head above water right now tells me I'm getting there. Maybe this is what real maturity is.

Thanks for another wonderful post -- one I needed to read.  

Thank you for this post.  It comes well timed for me as I (and I agree that there may be some gender link!) tend to feel the (erroneous) burden of the happiness of those around me.  And while I intellectually know I am not responsible, I often cannot move past it (and man does it drag me down).  Thank you for articulating what I need to hear!  

I really love this message and think it's a lacking one in our culture---the only thing people want in our culture is happiness in any form. Mostly, I don't even think most people know what that is, just that it's continually out of reach. I think being poor for years and struggling with many things at once, early in our marriage helped us immensley to define what we see as "happiness", why we wanted it, and why contentment was what we needed to be actively pursing instead, along with deepening our relationships with God (which contentment and joy flow out of, naturally). 

I loved what you said, also, about what your purpose was in raising kids, and the end goal not being happiness. I don't think any parent is actually capable of that, anyway. Thank goodness!

Our main goal is raising kids is that we teach them what we know about God as He's related it to us in the Bible, and choosing to have faith in Him. It's freedom just to know that if we do our best in those things, the rest is not up to us.  It's God's job. Aside from that tall order (cough!), is that they learn to take care of themselves before they leave the house (like paying bills, doing laundry, cooking meals, etc.) and have a good sense of humor....because that comes in handy a lot! :) 

Sarah M

I really concur with your blog on happiness..... I too, like to see those around me happy, but how much better to be content, and with that experience the inner peace and ultimate happiness.... thanks for sharing, Renee!!

Thank you for sharing.  I am letting go of myy 11th and 9th sons who are attending public school after being homeschooled all the previous years.  This is their 3rd day.  It is hard to see them leave and not be happy as they are struggling to find "nice and friendly" kids that include them, despite cousins being there and friends from church and soccer.  Children today just do not seem to be open to including others.  They have their circles and although we are dressed "correctly" and live in a very nice area - it is still tough.  This is a very interesting experience for us all.  We hope to stick it out until Christmas and see how we feel at that point.  Until then I hope each day will get some better.  They are gone for 7 hours, 5 days a wk - in an environment where I can't be there and make them happy.  This is hard as we have always been together each day.  I know they will learn from this experience and grow, but for now, it is hard.

Thank you for sharing and reminding me they have to take an active part in finding their way without me there to guide them each step.

Have you ever wondered, when checking in on your kids' level of contentment, if a void exists in their lives? Around the time my daughter turned twelve, I started to sense this void. We had been homeschooling for three years at that point. I doubt she could have put words to it at the time, but I intuitively felt she was missing out on being with peers often and regularly. She was lacking the opportunity to be "in the mix", choose her own friends, and develop those special bonds unique to that stage of life.

She returned to public school in 7th grade, and is now a 9th grader. We have given up some things having made that change, but she has gained so much, and is more content.

Thanks for the great post.  At times I too find it tricky to untangle my feelings and remain unattached from other people's happiness. What I have found super helpful is seeing myself, my hospitality and my deeds as the gift I am offering. I can only give the gift of myself and the rest is over to the receiver. I have found this profoundly freeing and means I am able to try new things and offer more of myself to others because I don't carry the burden of expectation. 

I love, love, love this post Renee. As a born people pleaser - it is such a good reminder for me. Also, I love to see your faith expressed so openly. I have been intrigued by your family for some time and have been reading your blog to see what adventures God leads you into. It has me wondering what we might be able to be more intentional about pursueing in our own family... I am very different from you in personality (ESFJ) and we have a very different family life but hearing you say that your primary goal for your children is for them to belong to Jesus just makes my heart sing "me too sister". I have often thought that the most common answer to the question of what we hope for our children is "for them to be happy" but if I am ever asked this point blank, my answer will have to be "for her to know Jesus and love him and follow him all her days". Anyway, just wanted to let you know that this post made me smile and want to give you a hug and a high five :)

Jennifer

Renee, this is a great thought provoking post.  I think it's very important for people, children and adults, to realize that they are responsible for their own emotions.  I grew up in a home where emotions were not ok to express, unless it was anger.  So many emotions - sadness, frustation, discontentment, etc,. all got lumped into anger.  I've worked really hard on trying to learn how to identify different emotions in my life and put names to thems so that my children will have a better grasp on their emotions.

I have 5 older children (11-19) and then a 4 year old.  There have been times when my little one is just pouty and my older ones are trying everything to get her out of her mood.  I've had to stop them and let them know that if she wants to pout, she can, she just needs to do it in her room.  I don't want her to learn that she can get all kinds of attention if she just pouts.

I really think that learning that we are responsible for our own emotions is one of the greatest gifts we can give our families.

thank you for this post.  it was a great reminder for me in relationships even outside the immediate family.  this is something that i came to understand about myself this year.  i, like a previous commenter, absorb the emotions of people around me.  this is not good in that it really messes me up for way longer than it should.  i have learned to recognize this...& release them.  release them to a bad mood if that is what it is.  release them to having a stressed day.  i think, like you said, i can be that conduit of God's love instead of taking on the negative emotions.  what an encouragement you are.  keep writing!  

p.s. - i was super excited to see your note on the side about the railway children being in public domain.  thanks.

Thanks for this post, Renee. My happiness "language" for others (especially for my family: kids and grandkids and husband) is a food one. A challenging act taking into account: restrictions for food sensitivities and allergies, what I know to be healthy as a holistic nutritionist and like to eat myself, making allowances and opening the "borders" for special occasions. Good practise for staying relevant with my clients. Saying all this, is it just memory loss or truth, that I don't recall thinking my Mom (parents) were responsible for my happiness as a child. They definitely nurtured me -  body, soul and spirit - and I would say I had a happy upbringing. Perhaps we're just more aware now through media and social norms that have filtered this "happiness is our responsibility as Moms" kind of thinking. And now I am close to "me thinks too much", so will close and say thanks again for the wonderful expression of words from your heart.

Mom

Marie, you wrote "If we take responsibility for other people's happiness, how will they learn?" Oops. This is an obvious oxymoron. If you're not responsible for their happiness why should you be for their learning? (which is mostly the same).