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I may have been wrong about myself
March 6, 2013
I had the pleasure recently of speaking with Heather Caliri from the blog A Little Yes. Heather's blog is all about saying "yes" in your life and she's writing a series of interviews called One Woman's Yes, sharing the stories of different women who have said yes in their life.
Heather interviewed me about the yeses in my own life, specifically as related to my faith. Our conversation tacked, unexpectedly in the direction of finances, and what it means to say yes to letting go of financial security so you can pursue a family dream or desire.
I used to think I wasn't a yes woman. In fact if you were to visit my home and eavesdrop on our family conversation you might think I'm a "no" mom. The kids will ask something and I'll often say "no". It's just my default. But my kids know this about me, that I default to no, and so very often a good argument (and I don't mean fight, I mean a well presented case), a rewording of the question, or even a "get real Mom" sort of sentiment will often produce a yes response. In fact most of my nos become yeses. I'm consisently inconsistent so I think there's some consistency in that (smile).
It must be a defense mechanism. I have to say "no" straight out of the gate so I don't commit myself to something I will later regret. "But you said..."
I do this a lot in my life in general. Protect myself by saying no but usually come around to saying yes. So I thought that maybe I was not a yes woman. But after my interview with Heather I think that's a wrong self-assessment.
I have said yes to so many things in the last few years that I'm not even the same person I was. I don't do the same activities. I don't have the same priorities (the values are the same). I don't even always speak the same language. I have said yes to so many steps along the way that I am now saying yes to big adventures that I would have never thought possible as a younger woman and mom.
I used to think I was a no woman but I may have been wrong about myself. I do say no but then I often say yes - to Damien, to the kids, to God. And after so many cumulative yeses I don't think I can call myself a no person anymore.
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Heather Caliri on March 6, 2013, 9:50 p.m.
Thank you for sharing about the interview, Renee--I'm so glad it proved fruitful personally to you! What a blessing to be able to connect with interesting people and share our lives! I had the same sort of realization a few months ago--I started my blog with the tagline, "Reforming a naysayer," but I'm not sure I AM a naysayer anymore. I'm starting to switch my default. I also think that sometimes my definition of what I say YES to is just different from the larger culture. Physical challenge? Mostly no. Out every night on the town? No. Risky behavior? Never. But I say bolder yeses to things that align with my values--and somehow discount them because they're not the risks you see on TV. And those risks give me far more joy.
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Sarah M on March 6, 2013, 10:48 p.m.
In the interview you said, " that kind of change was possible through a series of cumulative, small yeses. Now, after years, I’m more ready to say yes to bigger adventures. You repeat those small steps, and before you know it, your life changes" and I so agree. This is so where I am right now: reflecting on how we got where we are, literally about 2 weeks ago. Our cross country move wasn't something that just happened, we took baby steps in that direction with just this goal in mind. It almost feels unreal to be here now (it actually feels like we're still on vacation, a bit) because we've talked, planned, and detailed this life-change for years, and very intensely, the last 6 weeks. I had to smile because I think almost all moms are considered "No" moms by their children. I'm excited to read where your next trail of 'small yeses' will take you and your family! Sarah M
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Heather on March 6, 2013, 11:48 p.m.
I think you just described me and so many people. I think those initial no's just give you time to think about the question. My children know that if they hear that initial no there is still a wide opening for discussion and a reversal. My husband too. Growth and change is never easy. Sometimes it is hard to realize that along the way you have said so many yeses.
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Jess on March 7, 2013, 12:47 a.m.
What a great perspective. I've never thought about using no's to protect oneself in the way you mentioned, but put that way, it is so true.
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anna in Atlanta on March 7, 2013, 5:03 a.m.
I also consider myself a NO mom, and sometimes it concerns me, that it's kind of knee-jerk. Maybe in response to my perception of popular culture as too much yes. And, alas, my kids are not ones to come back with logical or considered responses, so NO usually solidifies into NO!! Not the happiest pattern.
BUT, I also think the answer very much depends on the question, whether big or small. It's much more instinctive to say YES to "how about we try educating our children at home, so they can follow their passions," than to "how about we have a smaller, uncertain income, spend all day with sometimes cranky kids, and see how it goes?" :-) And then, sometimes it's a small yes, that leads to the next, and finally to Dang! and Wow!
Yes is a response I work towards, but find challenging.
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renee on March 7, 2013, 3:28 p.m.
Anna, I'm trying to work on being a maybe mom. That way I can go either way (smile).
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Jen @ Anothergranolamom on March 9, 2013, 4:46 p.m.
Oh -- this is so me! I automatically say no, but am almost always convinced to change my answer-- mostly because I have no good "argument" about why I said no in the first place. My most recent yes was a checking account with debit card for my 16 year old. I hate the thought of over draft for a 16 year old! Then my father said, "Well, he has to have a way to buy gas (He just bought his first car.) and the other options are not that great." Oh -- yeah-- you're right. I'm glad to hear someone else working hard to be a yes man (smile.)
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Renee on March 6, 2013, 9:47 p.m.
Oh I can relate to this post! I want to say yes more but no comes easier, default mode, I understand!