Heartaching gratitude

November 27, 2008

Everyone's writing about gratitude these days and I have a few thoughts (I wish it was only a few) to share on the matter.

I don't need any reminders to be thankful, I am filled with gratitude every single day. In this world we live in I'm stinking rich with 3 healthy children, a husband who loves me, a roof over my head, a dishwasher, flush toilet and an old car that runs.

At random moments throughout each day my mind will wander to somewhere else on this planet. To situations that exist, to some extent, in my very own community. A child hungry while her mama watches helpless. Women and children sold, exploited, abused. Boys fighting wars they didn't start. People hurting, crying, needing, aching - everywhere. And my throat will catch and my spirit cries "how much longer?!" Then I gently shrug the weight of the world off my shoulders and finish cooking supper, reading the story, taking the picture, whatever I'm doing in that moment.

What more can I do? We send money to provide food and water to those in critical need. We support friends who are making a daily difference in their very poor community. As we are able we respond to donation jars and pleas for help. But it's never enough.

And still I live in comfort, peace and prosperity. Why?

I want to do more. I see people doing more. A friend who signs up to be a bone marrow donor, should a need arise. Artists raising money for genocide survivors. Local friends cooking and serving Thanksgiving dinners to those without one, working at community food banks, and supporting orphanages in Mexico.

And here I sit, or so it seems. For goodness sake, I can't even give blood because I don't weigh enough!

But I'm not sitting. I'm preparing, serving and cleaning up three (from scratch - no cold cereal around here) healthy meals a day. I'm reading and playing with my three kiddos. Tickling, teaching, guiding and generally loving on them. Buying groceries, washing & hanging laundry, de-cluttering, occasionally scrubbing the toilet. Spending time with my husband, hiking with my family, hosting friends or strangers at least once a week for meals, trying to keep in touch with friends and family far off. Recording it all with photos and words.

I spend my days trying to create the world I want to live in. One of kindness, creativity, forgiveness, health, unconditional love and socially responsible choices. And some days I fail at doing even that. An intentional life that promotes healthy people, a healthy planet and healthy relationships take time. A lot of time.

I'm not trying to make excuses. I'm soul searching. I'm not asking for pats on the back, encouragement or flattery. But I feel that the time I spend building a home & family, my "world", takes away from the time I have to give to the world at large. Does this make any sense?

So I cook, raise kids, share hugs, take photos, cook some more, gather with friends, try to help people in our community, write, give money to big causes and little. I know it's not enough but it's all I have to give.