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From The Ashes ~ Favorite Writer Quotes
February 1, 2012
The follow up to My Value as a Creative is written, edited, photo-ed (you know, the photos carefully thought out and placed) and ready to go. I promised it was next, because indeed it was. Queued up and set to publish. Hours of work and "go forth and conquer Renee" ideas to tell you about.
Oh no... I didn't lose it. It's still safely here at FIMBY, hiding in unpublished. Worse than losing the post, I lost my moorings. Or rather, we lost our moorings.
From the time we moved last spring, actually before we moved, Damien and I have been talking about what project we might do together - creatively and professionally. He's my best friend and so much of me is wrapped up in him. We're partners in life, not just in bed and raising our children.
FIMBY is very much my perspective on family life (& everything else) and we want to collaborate on something. Because I think together, we're pretty awesome. I mean it.
Damien and I have a good thing going here (I just reached the half way point in my life - I have known Damien as many years as I didn't before meeting him) and we want to mentor, encourage, teach, support and inspire other families. We had an idea, our third (or fourth?) one to date. We were working on it, we were talking launch dates.
The infrastructure was being built, that was Damien's department. The writing, out of the starting gate, that was my department. And that's where things broke down.
I just couldn't unleash all that stuff I've been wanting to share - I have a vision bigger than FIMBY and I've been trying to find an avenue for that. So I went to Damien yesterday morning and said "I'm having a serious writing block because I'm not exactly sure what our vision is for this project and who our audience is". Oh, oh. That's serious.
There followed tears. Lots of tears. Mine, not Damien's.
Insecurity. In heaps. Mine, not Damien's.
The mounting frustration that I will never publish that book of notes I've been keeping for the last year.
And so, in one mid morning conversation and another after supper, my game plan, as I planned to publish in a follow up post to My Value as a Creative, is no longer the game plan. Better to come to this conclusion sooner than later.
I can't exactly publish that post as it is. Because I'm back to the drawing board with the whole thing. Rethinking "The Collaboration" and the projects I'm moved forward with at FIMBY (they're very related).
Sucky does not quite adequately describe how I feel about it all.
We have some soul searching to do again (thank goodnesss not about relationship stuff but how to bring the best we each have to offer to a collaborative project). Tearing down to build up.
Let's hope it's a Phoenix that rises from the ashes and not just a pile of rubble.
So, instead of that promised follow up post I want to share some writing quotes.
For my birthday last December, my mother - a writer herself - gave me the books Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life and A Circle of Quiet. Both requested by me.
These books are coming at a perfect time in my life - as I grow into my own as a writer and figure out how this looks in my life as mother, homemaker, and homeschooler. And also figure out how the heck I'm going to earn a bit of income from this craft!
I'm going to share the words of Madeleine L'Engle from A Circle of Quiet. I'll let her writing speak for itself (ie: no commentary). Her words resonate with me so deeply that reading them is like getting a peek into my writing soul. When worded that way I feel I should maybe cover up or something.
Bold text is my emphasis.
If a writer says he doesn't care whether he is published or not, I don't believe him. I care. Undoubtedly I care too much. But we do not write for ourselves alone. I write about what concerns me, and I want to share my concerns. I want what I write to be read.
It's easy to say you're a writer when things are going well. When the decision is made in the abyss, then it is quite clear that it is not one's own decision at all.
... and my only hope was not to try to be an expert but to offer them myself...
We each have to say it, to say it our own way. Not of our own will, but as it comes out through us. Good or bad, great or little: that isn't what human creation is about. It is that we have to try; to put it down in pigment, in words, or musical notations, or we die.
I made the mistake of thinking that I "ought" not to write because I wasn't making money, and therefore in the eyes of many people around me I had no business to spend hours every day at the typewriter. I felt a failure not only because my books weren't being published but because I couldn't emulate our neighboring New England housewives. I was looking in the wrong mirrors.
I think that all artists, regardless of degree of talent, are a painful, paradoxical combination of certainty and uncertainty, of arrogance and humility, constantly in need of reassurance, and yet with a stubborn streak of faith in their validity, no matter what.
But it's one thing to talk consciously about giving oneself away and another to do it, for it must be done completely unselfconsciously; it is not a do-it-yourself activity.
Those of us who write are responsible for the effect of our books. Those who teach, who suggest books to either children or adults, are responsible for their choices. Like it or not, we either add to the darkness of indifference and out-an-out evil which surround us or we light a candle to see by.
Inspiration does not always precede the act of writing; it often follows it.
And with that, I am back to the drawing board.
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Michelle on Feb. 1, 2012, 3:09 p.m.
Oh Renee... I don't know what to say. How sad. See, I'm speechless. I usually have a whole paragraph to type out. Thinking of you.
PS Still loving that beautiful soap and shampoo bar you made.
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Jessica on Feb. 1, 2012, 3:43 p.m.
Even though I was eager to read your post this morning, I am so happy you are following your inner compass. Taking a step back when peace isn't fully there is part of fulfilling your mission even now because you are nourishing, encouraging, teaching me to do the same...inviting me and giving me permission to not get so caught up in pressing "go" that i miss the best in exchange for the good. Thank you. Blessings...
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Elizabeth on Feb. 1, 2012, 4:03 p.m.
Going back to the drawing board is oh-so-hard, but I'm inspired by your honesty and self-awareness with it all. Last year about this time I turned a chapter into some mentors for feedback and got a "back to the drawing board" response that demanded I take a completely new perspective with my writing (and the project in general). As with you, there were many tears, but it was months before I could face the truth head on...and even more months before I could dismantle the chapter and rebuild it. Sending prayers for patience and grace your way.
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Angela on Feb. 1, 2012, 4:13 p.m.
Two steps forward, one step back. It's how life proceeds, and it's ok. I have a hard time accepting that sometimes. I want things to work when they are supposed to, but it seems they rarely do. Lately I have to say to myself, like a mantra, I can have the life I've dreamed of having. I can do this. I must keep moving forward, adjusting as I face roadblocks. Like The Little Engine That Could.
I admire you for your honesty, and working so hard to live life intentionally. You will get there.
We played 3 on 2 basketball in the driveway yesterday, and our 8 year old made almost everything he shot. Way higher percentage than the rest of us. He told us later he made all those shots because he never once thought the ball wasn't going in. :)
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Kathie on Feb. 1, 2012, 4:59 p.m.
Oh my dear. I've been there and have no doubt that I'll be there again. I'm sending you lots of loving thoughts and wishes for dreams come true even when they change.
Being in this spot with your partner, your love though - how special!
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Jacinda on Feb. 1, 2012, 6:02 p.m.
It all sounds like part of the good honest journey of a great project. Kia kaha Renee.
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Kyce on Feb. 1, 2012, 7:44 p.m.
Sometimes we have to let ourselves off the hook, back away from the thing we were so uncertain about, in order to find our clarity and a deeper commitment. Thank you for the beautiful quotes.
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Penny on Feb. 1, 2012, 8:50 p.m.
You - all of you - are so clearly destined for greatness. It will be worth it to regroup, however many times you need to. Take courage in the journey! It may seem like a step backwards - but it never is!
(and a big hug too, from one of your loyal readers, even though she rarely comments... ahem...)
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Shelley R. on Feb. 1, 2012, 9 p.m.
Sometimes, it takes more courage and wisdom to restart. I believe in "Phoenix stories" - they are tenacious, they smolder under cold coals, and often they are more 'true' and reflect a refined, raw beauty as well once they rise.
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Joy on Feb. 2, 2012, 12:02 a.m.
I really want to say something encouraging, Renee, but I know how trite words sometimes seem when things go un-according to plan. We, your readership, believe in you and can't wait (but we will) to see what's in store. May God grant you incredible peace, clear vision, unstopped ears, and the desire and ability to trust and obey. Bless you!
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Kenna on Feb. 2, 2012, 3:48 a.m.
Even now your words are encouraging to a new writer (at 36) who only discovered the need/desire a few years ago. My struggle seems similar but at the beginning. I have yet to find my first voice and purpose as I write. As I see your struggle I also see hope for me that there is indeed an end. Then I pray more growth, which is always something to look forward to any day. I just found your blog and I am so excited for you as you move forward. It will be wonderful.
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Cari on Feb. 2, 2012, 5:08 a.m.
To pause - for however long and grueling and undoing it may be will in the end carry you to a place of greater depth and authenticity. I admire your courage, your honesty and your strength to stand in the fog. Not unlike faith, the clouds will ultimately part. The horizon may change but clarity in some form or fashion will unfold.
Know that your genuine walk encourages the rest of us to do just that.
Thinking of you this evening.
Cari
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Mom Tougas on Feb. 2, 2012, 5:47 a.m.
Have you tried writing an article for a magazine. Maybe it would be a way to 'test the water' before you jump right in. If your article is accepted and published in a magazine that people buy to read, you will find it most encouraging to go ahead and write something that you will need to market.
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Julie on Feb. 2, 2012, 8:27 a.m.
I am sure everything will work out for you Renee.
Listen to your heart, that voice deep inside and you can't go wrong.
If you are experiencing negativity from others....push it away and don't listen.
Follow your own heart.
If it is the negative voices in your head (that we all have from time to time) push them away and follow your heart.
Take a leap of faith Renee in what ever direction your heart wishes.
Remember that none of us are perfect. We just need to get out there and have a go. We all make mistakes. We just need to pick ourselves up again and take another step.
Sending a big hug to you. xxoo
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Karen from CT on Feb. 10, 2012, 3:24 a.m.
Bird by Bird Renee- deep breath, surround yourself with your loving family and have faith that this is meant to teach you. You will get there, it just may be a different there than you imagined. Better even! Wishing you a joyous journey.
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Kika@embracingimperfection on Feb. 1, 2012, 3:01 p.m.
I am certain that feels incredibly hard at the moment. What a gift to be in it together - with Damien, I mean. When you get your new vision/focus all figured out I am sure it will be better than ever. You have worked hard to get to this point and better to breathe, reflect, take time if necessary before launching into the next phase if you don't feel quite right about it.