January 13, 2014
Last week was hard. (This week feels hard also.)
I cried a lot because there is so very much to do and almost all of it is unknown territory for me.
I am scared. We conquer fears by facing them but I still don't like having to do it.
We had a few fear-filled discussions. Disease, pestilence, financial instability. You know, small stuff.
You are not afraid, or so it seems. And you tend to see things much more rationally than I do.
And I wonder, "where is the gift in my emotionality?" What is the benefit of the peaks and valleys of my experience and expression? The gift of your rational, technical-mind is so obvious to me in situations like these. What exactly does my emotional response bring to the table that is beneficial?
I wanted to bury my head in the sand and wish it all away. Wish for another path, an easier one, a less challenging winter.
And then two things happened.
The kids, in their search for free music for our video project, came across this song. And though the poetry may be lost on them (the song facilitated a great history lesson though), its meaning is not lost on me.
But I'm not scared to burn
To dust, I will return again
If you'll stay by my side
I'll lay down and I won't hide from fate
Many e-mails landed in my inbox last week. Two in particular grabbed my attention, not for the content so much but for a simple phrase they both used..."after losing my husband".
And the discussions of Permethrin and lyme disease, bank accounts and funding campaigns, all of it shifts to this here.
With you by my side Damien, I won't hide from fate. I won't hide from what needs to be done.
I need you more than is comfortable to admit.
And the mystery, to me at least, is that you tell me the same thing. Even when I feel I bring nothing to table but my tears.
And though I am scared to burn, I sing the opposite because maybe singing will make it true.
Life is short. And if we don't do the hard things, the scary things, the "we're not sure of the outcome" things, we won't have really lived to our full potential, as a couple or as a family.
We will pass and blow away my dear but while we're here, you with me and me with you, let's live this well. Your rational with my emotional. Your head full of ideas paired with my skepticism. Let's live our love, laughter (and tears), our passion for life and each other, our strategies and creativity, our inextricable dependency on each other. Let's just do it.
If you'll stay by my side, I won't lay down, but I will stand by you, and I won't hide from our fate, our dreams, our future.
I won't hide from right now.
I created this video last weekend, taking a break from things that weighed heavy on me, the long list of must-dos in my day. Those must-dos will always be there but the inspiration to create a piece of video art is fleeting for me so I created art instead.
P.S. Commenting is still a bit haywire but we are working hard to fix it. Thanks for your patience.
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