November 4, 2006
I'm somewhat ashamed to even be complaining of a bad day. I mean really - I ate 3 healthy meals, I live in a mostly peaceful country, I am loved and provided for - so what could I possibly gripe about. Well, my children for one. I figure it's only honest to share my trials when other days I laud my children with a mother's pride & affection. Maybe it was the small amount of halloween candy, which is thankfully all gone now, maybe it's the approaching full moon. Whatever the reason, the kids were crazy today. They were bouncing off the walls, annoying each other, dawdling and disobedient.
But the behaviour wasn't really the worst of it. The worst is when the "I'm a bad mother" guilt set in. If I was more patient, kind hearted, self-disciplined, peaceful, centered (you name it) then my children would possess these characteristics also. And to a large degree I believe that to be true. My heart, attitude and behaviours sets the tone for my home. But some days the enemy twists that conviction into ungodly condemnation. Of course at the time I don't recognize it as such, I'm just stuck in "bad mother, bad homeschooler, bad homemaker" self-pity. Hardly a pleasant state to be.
So I'm in that state today and by midafternoon I gave up and quit nagging and just kind of zoned out. In my zoned out space I left the house to do errands without my wallet (I did at least bring the children) and ended up wasting a trip to the store and the time spent shopping because I didn't have any money to pay. I came home at 5pm frustrated and tired, totally uninspired to face supper and clean up. To have a few moments of peace I agreed to my children's relentless request for a DVD even though they hadn't finished the work I told them they needed to do before they watched a movie - add consistency to above list of all those character traits I'm lacking in - arrghhh!
But you know what - the day improved. Damien came home and we made supper together. We talked, I cried, he pulled me up out of my self-depreciation and pity. I must say I am amazed sometimes that this man trusts me with his children! Daddy supervised the rest of the house clean up. I cleaned up the kitchen in peace while Daddy played lego with the kids upstairs. The kids and I snuggled and read before bedtime. The bad day ended well.
