A thoughtful blue day with sunny beach photos

I'm kind of blue today, melancholy I guess would be the right word. Yesterday we celebrated Damien's 37th birthday and it was a wonderful day. And today is Father's Day, as you all know, but I don't get to be with my own dad (who lives 12 hours away) and that tugs at my heart and seems to be tugging down my mood as well. The constant rain and gray skies from the past few days isn't helping either.

I'm also wrestling with being the best (fill in the blank) for everyone in my life. Tomorrow my mother-in-law's 17 day visit is coming to an end and my 10 year old will be taking a trip to visit Nana and Papa. The preparations for these departures fall on the same weekend as both Damien's birthday, Father's Day and tomorrow is also my mother's birthday.

And so I struggle with these questions:

In the past couple weeks was I the best daughter-in-law I could be, at the same time being the best mother & wife? This weekend am I the best wife and friend to my husband while being the best daughter to my parents and mother to my own daughter who is leaving for a 10 day trip?

The answer of course is no. I'm not the best, but I am trying and it's the trying to give my best, and not meeting my own expectations, that I find so difficult. I want to be everything to everybody and I just can't.

But I do know that on Wednesday this week I was an awesome mother and loving daughter-in-law because I took my beach loving children and Damien's prairie dwelling mother to the ocean. And I gave them all that I really have to give, my time.

I am enjoying living those memories today.

I am also hoping that my father, though I can't be with him, will appreciate these photos of his grandchildren at one the places he loves - the ocean. And knowing that I am sending one my greatest gifts, my precious daughter, his way for a much anticipated grandparent/granddaughter get together.

To all the loved ones in my life - my children, my husband, my parents, my in-laws, my siblings, my friends - please know am I trying my best. I am sorry when I can't give you everything you need, as is my heart's desire. But in the end though it seems we're all as fragile as sand castles our love does abide and the sun will come out again, hopefully sooner than later.

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  • Ellen

    Ellen on June 21, 2009, 10:50 p.m.

    sometimes I honestly don't think it's possible to give your best to everyone all of the time. Too many roles to juggle. But the fact that you're trying will make them feel that love all the same. Everybody needs grace.

    Ellen's last blog post... We?re here!

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  • ~kristina~

    ~kristina~ on June 21, 2009, 11:41 p.m.

    I suspect that you are one of the best, no matter how you may feel at times! I can see that just from your blog posts about your kids and caring for your family in a healthy way.

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  • kirwin

    kirwin on June 22, 2009, 12:38 a.m.

    "Ditto" to what kristina said in her comment. It's apparent in your blog posts what kind of a woman you are -- a strong, loving, peaceful, creative creature. I could go on and on with the adjectives but I'll stop with those.

    I read your blog, and I am honored that you visit my blog regularly. Seriously.

    Like kristina, I suspect that YOU are the only one who found yourself "lacking."

    {hugs}

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  • Dad

    Dad on June 22, 2009, 1:25 a.m.

    Yes it is fathers day and I miss all my kid, and yes your moms birthday is tomorrow and we are looking forward with much antisipation to haveing our first grand child come to stay at our place. Thank you for letting her come to stay with us. You shouldn't be so hard on your self! I can understand how you feel as I also try to "fix things" but have come to realise that I am human and cannot fix everthing! I am still learning how to deal with this challange so you and I can travel this road together as we are very close in more ways than your probably like to admit. love dad

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  • kyndale

    kyndale on June 22, 2009, 2 a.m.

    What a sweet Dad you have!

    I know how you feel. We are our worst critic aren't we? I get down on myself sometimes for not being the best mom, wife, daughter, friend or sister. I am trying my best too. Being a mother is hard work!

    Thank you for posting about this!

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  • Shawna

    Shawna on June 23, 2009, 5:13 a.m.

    aww. yeah, it's tough. there's never a time when we're all everything, no matter how badly our heart tells us to be. i always think of it like a pyramid since no matter what you put first, it always pushes something to the wayside. moms juggle roles, so there's always something in the air. and who wants to lower expectations? that's no fun. if i find out the secret, i'll let you know. ;o)

    what a beautiful day at the beach, you lucky ducks! i'm sure this was a great father's day gift! i totally understand since my parents are over 3000 miles away. no doubt your daughter will bring home wonderful bits and pieces of your parents.

    Shawna's last blog post... Here we go again

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  • nicola

    nicola on June 23, 2009, 6:04 a.m.

    oh, renee. you express sentiments we all share and you express them beautifully. i am certain no-one expects you to be the best all of the time. we all have our down days and the very fact that it is your desire to be better even when you cannot be the best (fill in the blank). don't forget to be the best to yourself that you can be, too. (competing priorities, that is what my husband always says!) wishing more sunny skies and happier times ahead. nicola http://whichname.blogspot.com

    nicola's last blog post... getting sick of skirts yet?

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