Les Miserables

August 19, 2008

Wrote this post, journal style, 3 days ago on our first day of vacation. Today we have wi-fi access at our campground, in the Maine woods no less. Don't despair, subsequent days improved...

Miserable, am I allowed to feel this way when camping? What about selfish? Miserable and selfish, and this is supposed to be my vacation. Think I'll eat another marshmallow...

I'm an expectation person. Day to day life often doesn't disappoint me but an expectation unfulfilled can frustrate and in this case deeply disappoint.

Up until 3 months ago I hadn't expected to upgrade my camera for another year or so. And even then I wasn't expecting much. Let's see we're a family of five with one modest income (I haven't earned a cent for 9 years), kids who eat like caterpillars, car repair bills, immigration lawyer fees and a house that's freezing cold 6 months of the year. Oh, and all our family lives in another country. You don't want to know how much international plane tickets cost these days.

Then the government announced it's economic stimulus package. We did the math, 2000 bucks. Wowsers! Maybe we could get those replacement windows afteral so I wouldn't freeze through yet another Maine winter. But then my thoughtful husband suggested we get a new camera, and a nice one, sooner than later. My artist self easily convinced my cold winter self to wear more layers.

Prior to this I had no expectation for photographic greatness anytime soon. And it's that expectation and the subsequent months of camera researching that made today's discovery so heartbreaking. Because Damien has a work visa and I have a dependant visa and therefore no social security number (I will when we're permanent residents) we don't qualify for the stimulus check. Not even Damien and the kids qualify since we file taxes jointly. Of course Damien is a tax paying resident just like any other. Go figure.

All those months of planning, pining and drooling over a beautiful camera that would soon be mine. And dreaming about all the images I could capture and share - gone.

And when do I find this dream shattering news out? 30 minutes before we leave the house for our much anticipated week long summer camping trip. When I decided to investigate why our check still hadn't arrived after yet another week of waiting. We'd expected it would be late because we filed taxes late, but we didn't expect it would be never. Better late than never, ain't that the truth.

Now to add injury to insult I'm beating myself up for being upset. "Yessh, you're so selfish girl. Lots of people in this country, especially this state, can't afford their winter heating bills and you're boohooing about a fancy pants camera. And on top of that this is your vacation, you "should " be enjoying yourself and being a peppy mother, your kids depend on you." Yada, yada.....

Bitter diappointment with a generous serving of guilt. I can think of better ways to start a vacation.

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