Under Pressure

There are times when I feel that because of our family's vision, I have to set aside ideas, projects, or goals I had in the past. Sometimes those ideas are things I really like, things I don't want to let go of. But the silly thing is, that on top of debating with myself over my priorities, I add guilt about image - what if people think less of me because I am "quitting" projects, or giving up goals I thought were important to me? Will people still respect me? Will I look wishy-washy? Ah, self-doubt, why must you always pester? I hear you Renee. I know I don't know or understand all the particulars of your family's individualized journey, but I think I speak for all your faithful readers when I say that we love you because you write from your heart. You truly are an inspiration.

... and, I love the color in your posts, both in the photos and story. We all need more color in our lives!

Some of my thoughts I feel very comfortable expressing--but it's all about the community where I am expressing them. (Which gets at the root of it all--that yes, I too care about what others think of me.) 

For example, at school and at home I feel totally comfortable talking about feminism, racism, and equality... while those things aren't necessarily so easy to talk about here (partly because that's not the focus of your blog, of course). At the same time, my slightly subversive, anti-establishment thoughts on education aren't so comfortable to talk about at school or at home...

And then there are my feelings, which I mostly keep inside, for better or for worse. That can be hard, but I try to process those by talking myself through them in my head (while running or walking, usually).

Anyways, thank you for sharing, as always. I love your "colorful-ness"!

Your blog is always such a breath of fresh air to me, Renee. I love that quote you included because it speaks to me as a fearful writer. Even as I type the word "writer" I sort of hem-and-haw over it. I've had a dream of writing children's books for over a decade and I'm STILL squirreling away knowledge, idolizing authors, and sitting on my hands when I should be just getting over the fear and doing the thing. I'm so fearful to mostly put the time in--my sacred time (always my idol, ugh)--and not get anything in return, ever, mostly validation and pride in a project I've dreamed of.

I have definitely felt the highs & lows (and now I'll have to chart when I feel these same ways--if this is a monthly cycle thing!) but I do have the same upswings with bold emotions and then about a day or two a month of low-lows or what I call "my funk". I, again, wouldn't have been able to articulate it but "subturanean ideas" hits it right on the head. I often get so jazzed about something, read voraciously, want to share, and then feel that I end up scaring people of or yes, totally freaking them out.

I think I have learned to NOT express them, actually. I share things with my husband who is so great about listening. I have learned to be a better listener and ask more questions, and within that, slowly share bits of information that I love to talk about, whatever that might be (homeschooling, hobbies, etc.). I'm one of those annoying people that women hate, because I always want to solve problems with my own (well-oiled and working for us) solutions, but most people just don't want that. I think because I'm able to hear advice, filter it in or out depending on if I like it, and move on with my life, that everyone is like that, but I've found a lot of people aren't like that, and get bogged down in the comparision and the burden of what others do. 

Write about what scares you and eats you up, you have loyal readers here who want to read what you write. I know I'm not the only one. 

Sarah M

"Stand" by Rascal Flats....listening to the song really loud...it helps a lot.  It is of the country genre to some degree and not really a place I venture much, but it hits the spot. 

This----> 

"There are times I feel un-tethered by what people think of me - blog readers, neighbors, friends, family.

And then it comes back to me, like a manacle I thought I had left behind, how much I want to be accepted, liked, and understood. How much I care, still, about what people think and how they perceive me (ugh.)"

All the time. 

I'm quite limited in where, with whom, I can actually be 100% real about who I amand the thoughts or issues I wrestle internally with. There are a few women in my life that I can share parts of myself with, but no one with whom I feel completely safe. I do feel, however, that I am caring less these past couple years about whether people like me. The call to freedom is stronger than the desire for acceptance so I plod forward. 

I've commented before that when I started reading here I was not a homeschooler or plant-based eater. Those ideas seemed very "out there" to me at the time. But on some level they spoke to me, I just wasn't ready for them yet. I think that's why a lot of us follow your journey. How interesting would it be to just read our own ideas rehashed again? I've stopped reading some blogs because there is never anything new for me there. Please don't censor yourself for our benefit, as it wouldn't benefit us at all. Keep FIMBY colorful!

What do I do with ideas bubbling under the surface?

Why, I generally blurt them out at the most inopportune time, and often

In an inappropriate tone of voice.

Keep up the ideas 

They don't scare me

Anna

You already know all of this, but I like how these quotes sum it up:

"Listen to your being. It is continuously giving you hints; it is a still, small voice. It does not shout at you, that is true. And if you are a little silent you will start feeling your way. Be the person you are. Never try to be another, and you will become mature. Maturity is accepting the responsibility of being oneself, whatsoever the cost. Risking all to be oneself, that’s what maturity is all about.”

-OSHO

“Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who explained to us, that we were in fact in the process of change, of actually becoming larger, spiritually, than we were before. Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it, as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth as it seeks to break out of its shell on its way to becoming a plant. Often the feeling is anything but pleasant. But what is most unpleasant is the not knowing what is happening. Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be waiting, holding its breath, unsure about what the next step should be, eventually become the periods we wait for, for it is in those periods that we realize that we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.”

-Alice Walker

Renee, it's hard to be different at times. Sometimes we choose that difference, sometimes life circumstances bring it whether we choose it or not. We wrestle with it, for sure. But if we feel more ourselves afterwards, rather than less, then we know we are in the right place. 

I appreciate the fact that you are not afraid to show the wrestling - as well as the place where you feel to be yourself. Both are important. Thanks.

Hey Renee, 

I'm so sad hearing that wanting to belong, be appreciated by your peers and community feels like a manacle to you. I get it- wanting to be able to do your own thing, blaze your path without feeling weighed dwon by other's judgements- or even the fact that what you are doing is so very different can feel isolating- whether you think others are judging you or not. I get it.

I guess I am wondering if there is room for you- to acknowledge the fact that you do want to belong, that community is important to you and that you also want to live life according to your terms- and that sometimes it feels difficult to do both.

I guess I am wondering does blazing your own path have to be traded for feeling part of your community?

I don't know if this helps ( and perhaps I am missing the point of the post?/! : D)- but I definitvely consider myself a part of your community.

What your wrote struck me- in my opinion- belonging, being part of a group is part of our basic wiring as humans- I find it painful to hear that you may be berating yourself for desiring fulfilment of this very basic need.

Did I misunderstand?

Thanks so much for sharing your thougths and process. I am so enjoying your posts these days.

Thanks for the clarification Renee!

Yes- the delay does make it tricky.

And for what it is worth- I agree- being worried about how we are perceived can take up a huge amount of energy- and for what benefit?

Don't worry, be happy. I doubt you could say anything that would turn off your readers.  Don't continue to over think it. Just let it out.  

I had never thought of my need (oh how I hate that need) to be accepted, liked and understood as a manacle before.  I'd always thought of it as personal defect of mine to, some how, correct.   A flaw in my nature.   Thinking of it as a manacle implies to me that it may not be a flaw in me , but a characteristic which lives in every human, although in different ways and manifestations.  Instead of beating myself up about it perhaps I can loosen the manacle or sometimes even cast it off.  It may never be gone completely.   Perhaps that is a good thing because to be accepted and liked, in some small way, is also a sign of a person who cares about others and is not  completely self-centered and closed to any possibility that they are ever incorrect in their convictions.   There is some good in that.

I say, "Write on Renee!"  (or even Right On!). 

Renee, in all the stuff I'm reading on building a visionary business (and I think you could substitute or add to that a visionary life), finding your unique voice and expressing it is the KEY thing to attracting your 'perfect people' and being successful (however you might define that). The more you write from the heart and are WEIRD, the more I relate to you. Because I'm weird too. And I'm always feeling weird and isolated and alone. My husband also is weird and has strong values like me, so we fit together but of course we don't even always have the same weird ideas! There's always compromise in families and relationships, isn't there?

We ARE making connections and I need to remember to be grateful for that. I have both real-life and online connections that get me, and whom I get.

And I am so excited for your family as you prepare for and take this amazing AT journey. You inspire me so I'm definitely going to keep reading!